We are who we are because of how, where, when and why we developed in all of the ways that we did, or didn't. You can't pick and choose your traits until you understand why you have them. Every experience that you have ever had has had a hand in shaping who you are today. Things change and how we are able or unable to cope with that change helps shape our relationships with others.
Our values and strengths were taught to us in the beginning. Later on we can choose the values that suit us best, and discover which of our strengths we want to spend time using. The society we grow up in can effect our choices and our expectations. How milestones in our lives are looked upon by our society can be sources of pride, or shame if we do not meet them, "on time".
Criticism is the number one destroyer of our self-esteem. Our percieved weaknesses is the runner up. There are so many ways that people can criticize us. That's why sometimes we need to go back in time mentally and examine how things said or done to us effect us in the here and now. If we can understand how something effected us then, we can carry that forward and see how it is effecting our lives in the here and now.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/inspiration-createreality
www.brightfuse.com/angelia-schwarz-coleman
www.community.beliefnet.com/angeliavenus
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Your Ecology and How It Effects You
For those of you who have studied child or basic psychology you know what a microsystem is. For those of you who haven't, it's the relationship between a child and it's immediate environment. The mesosystem is the interrelationship of settings in the child's immediate environment. The exosystem is the social settings that effect the child but do not directly involve them. The macrosystem refers to the attitudes, morals, beliefs and ideals of the culture that the child is raised in.
When a child comes into the world, it's first relationship is with it's mother. If this relationship is not a good one, well unfortunately, that child is off to a sad start. Then the father comes into play, if he is in the house, or involved at all in the child's life. Unfortunately, too many fathers are not there for their children. All of the research on the subject that I have read say that a good father makes a difference for both sexes of children. In this early little microsystem, abuse has it's worst and most prolonged effects. I have known mothers, and am one, who have left abusive fathers, and I know fathers who have left abusive mothers. Abused children will be more aggressive and negative. Abuse at this stage can be ended by an involved and caring grandparent or relative, with good outcomes. A sense of some family bonds can help the child take the outlook that it is the parent and not them that is the problem.
Concerned neighbors step in sometimes and call the authorities when they see or suspect abuse. This is something that we should all do. "It takes a village..." as the saying goes. Even in the overcrowded foster system, MOST of the time, the child is safer than in an abusive home. If you've ever watched the evening news, that's obvious! At play in their yards, neighborhoods, and parks children will meet friends. This will be their first social interaction with their peers who are not relatives. A well-adjusted child will be friendly and want to play with and make friends. A child who has been abused is more likely to be more physical with other children and turn into a bully. In their school years this will become a discipline and respect problem. Their emotional pain may stunt their growth intellectually and maturity wise.
If parents are ONLY verbally abusive, (only?!) then they may tell others that their child is, "lazy, worthless, sarcastic, stupid, dumb, has no common sense, is good for nothing, is a know-it-all, and even tell the child that they wish they were never born". Unfortunately, these co-workers, friends, or relatives may believe these things about the child since it is coming from a parent after all. Then everyone surrounding the child treats the child as if what the parent is saying is gospel, which sets up the self-fulfilling prophecy, and the child may model the behavior that has been attributed to it, whether it actually is that way, since the child figures if they are going to be accused, they may as well be that way! The verbal abuse takes their self esteem down word by word until they feel as worthless as the words that have been flung at them. Our child protective agencies, last I heard, can only prosecute for neglect, physical and sexual abuse. You can say to or call your kids anything that you want with the most happening to you is an estranged relationship with your child and possibly a civil suit when they are old enough. The laws aren't overly defined regarding verbal, emotional and mental abuse in children.
Your place of birth also plays a role in your treatment growing up. If your country believes that beating a child is the only way to be sure that they will follow disciplines, well then, that's what they may do! There are cultures where child abuse is an accepted form of punishment. In some cultures children are not allowed to be children and are put to work as soon as they are able, and in some girls and boys are married off as soon as they are sexually capable of reproduction. Your culture dictates the opportunities that are available to you.
Your ethnic group also has expectations of you. If you grew up in a nice neighborhood in a big house and everyone on your block went to college, then you are probably expected to, too. If you grew up where the people with the money got it breaking the law, then that may look like an acceptable risk to you. (but it's not FYI!)
Many studies have been done on how a good start in life can help people succeed and how a bad one can hold you back. In the end, it really is up to you to overcome any abuse or injustices that you have experienced growing up. It's hard to do that once you're an adult because 1. you have to realize that it has effected you. 2. you have to either know how, or know where to find help, to help you overcome these things. 3. you have to be willing to do the work to find balance and peace in your life. 4. you have to be able to examine, and then let go the things that were done to you. If you can't do that, and hold onto that grudge forever, it will only eat you up inside. Remember, the abuser may have no regrets about what they did to you if they are that kind of person, and if you confront them, they may not give you any type of explaination or closure.
We all should want to be our best selves and that takes loving yourself. Love yourself enough to give yourself the love that you may have been denied as a child. Make things right with and for yourself, so that you can grow to be the butterfly that you were meant to be. Soaring on your own unique, colorful wings that make you, you.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
When a child comes into the world, it's first relationship is with it's mother. If this relationship is not a good one, well unfortunately, that child is off to a sad start. Then the father comes into play, if he is in the house, or involved at all in the child's life. Unfortunately, too many fathers are not there for their children. All of the research on the subject that I have read say that a good father makes a difference for both sexes of children. In this early little microsystem, abuse has it's worst and most prolonged effects. I have known mothers, and am one, who have left abusive fathers, and I know fathers who have left abusive mothers. Abused children will be more aggressive and negative. Abuse at this stage can be ended by an involved and caring grandparent or relative, with good outcomes. A sense of some family bonds can help the child take the outlook that it is the parent and not them that is the problem.
Concerned neighbors step in sometimes and call the authorities when they see or suspect abuse. This is something that we should all do. "It takes a village..." as the saying goes. Even in the overcrowded foster system, MOST of the time, the child is safer than in an abusive home. If you've ever watched the evening news, that's obvious! At play in their yards, neighborhoods, and parks children will meet friends. This will be their first social interaction with their peers who are not relatives. A well-adjusted child will be friendly and want to play with and make friends. A child who has been abused is more likely to be more physical with other children and turn into a bully. In their school years this will become a discipline and respect problem. Their emotional pain may stunt their growth intellectually and maturity wise.
If parents are ONLY verbally abusive, (only?!) then they may tell others that their child is, "lazy, worthless, sarcastic, stupid, dumb, has no common sense, is good for nothing, is a know-it-all, and even tell the child that they wish they were never born". Unfortunately, these co-workers, friends, or relatives may believe these things about the child since it is coming from a parent after all. Then everyone surrounding the child treats the child as if what the parent is saying is gospel, which sets up the self-fulfilling prophecy, and the child may model the behavior that has been attributed to it, whether it actually is that way, since the child figures if they are going to be accused, they may as well be that way! The verbal abuse takes their self esteem down word by word until they feel as worthless as the words that have been flung at them. Our child protective agencies, last I heard, can only prosecute for neglect, physical and sexual abuse. You can say to or call your kids anything that you want with the most happening to you is an estranged relationship with your child and possibly a civil suit when they are old enough. The laws aren't overly defined regarding verbal, emotional and mental abuse in children.
Your place of birth also plays a role in your treatment growing up. If your country believes that beating a child is the only way to be sure that they will follow disciplines, well then, that's what they may do! There are cultures where child abuse is an accepted form of punishment. In some cultures children are not allowed to be children and are put to work as soon as they are able, and in some girls and boys are married off as soon as they are sexually capable of reproduction. Your culture dictates the opportunities that are available to you.
Your ethnic group also has expectations of you. If you grew up in a nice neighborhood in a big house and everyone on your block went to college, then you are probably expected to, too. If you grew up where the people with the money got it breaking the law, then that may look like an acceptable risk to you. (but it's not FYI!)
Many studies have been done on how a good start in life can help people succeed and how a bad one can hold you back. In the end, it really is up to you to overcome any abuse or injustices that you have experienced growing up. It's hard to do that once you're an adult because 1. you have to realize that it has effected you. 2. you have to either know how, or know where to find help, to help you overcome these things. 3. you have to be willing to do the work to find balance and peace in your life. 4. you have to be able to examine, and then let go the things that were done to you. If you can't do that, and hold onto that grudge forever, it will only eat you up inside. Remember, the abuser may have no regrets about what they did to you if they are that kind of person, and if you confront them, they may not give you any type of explaination or closure.
We all should want to be our best selves and that takes loving yourself. Love yourself enough to give yourself the love that you may have been denied as a child. Make things right with and for yourself, so that you can grow to be the butterfly that you were meant to be. Soaring on your own unique, colorful wings that make you, you.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
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