At the end of our adolescence we need to separate from our parents and find a level of autonomy.
This will be different for each individual. Those whose parents send them off to college, know that it will be longer for those to leave the nest fully. (My oldest son!) Some get jobs right out of school and move out as soon as possible. (That's what I did!) Either way, eventually it will be necessary for the individual to separate from their family and come to a sense of autonomy.
Unfortunately, for some children who grow up in abusive homes, decisions can be rushed with negative results. Some children cling to a supportive parent when an abusive one is out of the home, and become co-dependent. I have met groups of siblings living together, who believe that no one else understands, and they must stick together. It's like they have melded into a unit. The one good at budgeting does it, the one more outgoing does the shopping, etc. This is not separation or autonomy. These individuals will never fully live their own lives. Sometimes one of the siblings "meets someone" and moves out, leaving the other lost in the world, feeling alone.
Separation is a good and natural thing. All baby birds must leave the nest, if they are to start their own. If you have never made that step of separation, examine why that is. Then decide if you would want to live your own life, flying on your own vibrant wings. Some people are so wounded that they don't want to. If you would like to, start by taking on your own responsibilities, step by step, until you feel ready to be out on your own. Freedom to fly how you want to is wonderful!
Autonomy will be an important step in the process. You must be able to rely on yourself, and not go running to others to help you out at every step. Granted, there are always some people who for whatever reasons, need help, and they should be afforded it, if they truly need it. Most of us can tell the difference. Sometimes the baby bird just needs a little push.
Once we leave our families and strike out on our own, we can become who we want to be. The satisfaction of living your true self, and serving your purpose here on Earth, is worth the fear and anxiety of leaving the nest.
Until next time!
Love, Angelia
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Controlling Our Own Lives
In late adolescence, (16-21), we need control over our own lives.
Our parents may not agree with that, but it's important to our development to start taking control of our own lives. If we aren't allowed to, or choose not to, that will lead to problems later on.
First of all, I believe that all people who are able to, should drive. We live in a big country, and unless you choose to not drive for the betterment of the environment, it's really convenient to know how to drive.
If you're stranded in a hostile environment, and are presented with a gift from God in the form of a getaway Jeep, wouldn't it be nice to know how to drive it? Or the alternative may be to be abused or possibly killed by hostiles and left in a bad situation far from home. An extreme example, but a friend of mine found themselves in such a situation while serving in the military. Sometimes, we do face survival situations.
What type of person are you? Do you like art? Are you any good at making it? If so, maybe you should be pursing education or experience in the field. One good resource that people overlook is the phone book. In it you will find all kinds of business' from A to Z. Picking up the phone and telling the person who answers that you are a student looking into _______, may lead you to your first or next career option.
Life at this stage can seem a little magical. You're not a kid anymore, but not quite an adult. You may feel a little crazy with all of the preparation for "the real world". You may be burning brightly or hiding yourself inside of yourself. The doors of time are going to open, whether you're ready for the next developmental stage or not. You may hope that your name is around for a thousand years! Or you may just want the Earth to swallow you up. Everyone is different.
Becoming who you are meant to be, takes time and the effort we call life. In order to live the life that is uniquely yours, you must take control of it. Only you can know what the life of your dreams looks like. In my class "Living Your Own Life", I teach my students how to do this. Some of us just get lost along the way. Maybe we were held captive, and not allowed to make our own choices in late adolescence. Maybe we weren't ready for this stage, and chose to let others still make decisions for us. No matter which was our experience, the need to control your own life is an important step in our development.
Until next time!
Angelia
Our parents may not agree with that, but it's important to our development to start taking control of our own lives. If we aren't allowed to, or choose not to, that will lead to problems later on.
First of all, I believe that all people who are able to, should drive. We live in a big country, and unless you choose to not drive for the betterment of the environment, it's really convenient to know how to drive.
If you're stranded in a hostile environment, and are presented with a gift from God in the form of a getaway Jeep, wouldn't it be nice to know how to drive it? Or the alternative may be to be abused or possibly killed by hostiles and left in a bad situation far from home. An extreme example, but a friend of mine found themselves in such a situation while serving in the military. Sometimes, we do face survival situations.
What type of person are you? Do you like art? Are you any good at making it? If so, maybe you should be pursing education or experience in the field. One good resource that people overlook is the phone book. In it you will find all kinds of business' from A to Z. Picking up the phone and telling the person who answers that you are a student looking into _______, may lead you to your first or next career option.
Life at this stage can seem a little magical. You're not a kid anymore, but not quite an adult. You may feel a little crazy with all of the preparation for "the real world". You may be burning brightly or hiding yourself inside of yourself. The doors of time are going to open, whether you're ready for the next developmental stage or not. You may hope that your name is around for a thousand years! Or you may just want the Earth to swallow you up. Everyone is different.
Becoming who you are meant to be, takes time and the effort we call life. In order to live the life that is uniquely yours, you must take control of it. Only you can know what the life of your dreams looks like. In my class "Living Your Own Life", I teach my students how to do this. Some of us just get lost along the way. Maybe we were held captive, and not allowed to make our own choices in late adolescence. Maybe we weren't ready for this stage, and chose to let others still make decisions for us. No matter which was our experience, the need to control your own life is an important step in our development.
Until next time!
Angelia
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A New Type Of Meditation
You arrive at a large, pleasant Spiritual Center. The large common room has chairs and yoga mats in a circle in the center. As you look around, you see Native American, African, Buddhist and other cultural decor.
There is a check-in foyer area where a $10.00 donation is collected for the event.
The director has an office as you walk in to the common area. There is a library, storage area, and a kids' room. A gift shop offers multi-cultural items. There are restrooms and a kitchenette down the hall.
You have just entered the Rainbow Spiritual Education Center.
This is a one of a kind place, with one of a kind events. You can see their website at www.rainbowspiritualeducationcenter.org.
As a multi-ethnic myself, sometimes it's hard to find a place that accepts and celebrates all parts of my heritage. This is one of those places.
I sell some of my jewelry and art in their gift shop, which is open during their events.
I also lead my Hot Stone Meditation there on the third Tuesdays of the month.
I have been asked, "What is Hot Stone Meditation?". So, here goes:
Most of you may know about Hot Stone Massage. I learned it from a friend of mine, who's a massage therapist. I was fascinated by the stone's ability to hold and release heat slowly. I remember seeing some Shoalin monks using hot stones for tests of endurance. I researched that a bit, but had no desire to burn myself or anyone else. I bought my own set of stones and a "how to" book. I started out giving family and a few friends the hot stone treatment. I couldn't give myself the treatment, but one day, while meditating, my mind wandering again, I thought about those little black stones that came in the set. They were used for putting between the toes or fingers. I got a few out, popped them in the microwave, and then went back to meditation with them in my palms. It worked like a charm! With the warm, smooth stones in my hand, my mind stayed so focused on them, I sat nearly a full 30 minutes before my mind wandered again. I told a friend of mine who was the massage therapist. She tried it, and suggested that I start doing it as a group meditation at the Germantown Healing House, where I was working at the time. It took off, but unfortunately, the Healing House closed due to the economy. Nearly two years later, I found another place interested in this form of meditation. So, I offer it there.
The experience is unique. As all of the participants are seated in chairs, or lotus style, I come in with a container of heated stones in water. I explain to the participants that hot stones have been used for over 5,000 years in healing rituals. Egypt, China and Greece used them just to name a few. Then, I ask them to come pick two stones to hold in their palms. Some people are choosey, some just pick the top two. All of the stones are basalt lava stones at a rather warm temperature. As the participants are reseated, I ask them if they can feel the stones radiating their heat. They all can of course. We dim the lights, and I start the music. The music is especially picked to complement the "script" of the meditation and is put on about the loudness of my voice. I give them a minute to relax. Then I start the meditative suggestions. Each minute brings a new suggestion designed to recharge, or relax a mind, body, spirit point. There are spiritual, psychological and physical suggestions, so it becomes a form of self-hypnosis as the music rises and falls with my suggestion, and if you are truly in the meditative state, it's magical. I feel so much better myself after the hour is over! Interestingly, about half way through, the stones start to cool, and give off a cool calming feeling, so it's like starting out walking on the hot sand, then into the cool ocean.
If you are interested in experiencing this for yourself, the next one is June 21st, 2011 at 7:00 pm. You can see the above website for more information.
I haven't been able to find anyone else who is doing anything like this, so I guess that I've invented a new type of meditation. It's part meditation, part self-hypnosis, and part affirmations, and I enjoy every minute of it! The stones are a true gift from Mother Earth, and really are a help to me, and maybe others, who haven't been able to meditate without worrying about the other thousand things they have to do today.
Until next time!
Love, Angelia
There is a check-in foyer area where a $10.00 donation is collected for the event.
The director has an office as you walk in to the common area. There is a library, storage area, and a kids' room. A gift shop offers multi-cultural items. There are restrooms and a kitchenette down the hall.
You have just entered the Rainbow Spiritual Education Center.
This is a one of a kind place, with one of a kind events. You can see their website at www.rainbowspiritualeducationcenter.org.
As a multi-ethnic myself, sometimes it's hard to find a place that accepts and celebrates all parts of my heritage. This is one of those places.
I sell some of my jewelry and art in their gift shop, which is open during their events.
I also lead my Hot Stone Meditation there on the third Tuesdays of the month.
I have been asked, "What is Hot Stone Meditation?". So, here goes:
Most of you may know about Hot Stone Massage. I learned it from a friend of mine, who's a massage therapist. I was fascinated by the stone's ability to hold and release heat slowly. I remember seeing some Shoalin monks using hot stones for tests of endurance. I researched that a bit, but had no desire to burn myself or anyone else. I bought my own set of stones and a "how to" book. I started out giving family and a few friends the hot stone treatment. I couldn't give myself the treatment, but one day, while meditating, my mind wandering again, I thought about those little black stones that came in the set. They were used for putting between the toes or fingers. I got a few out, popped them in the microwave, and then went back to meditation with them in my palms. It worked like a charm! With the warm, smooth stones in my hand, my mind stayed so focused on them, I sat nearly a full 30 minutes before my mind wandered again. I told a friend of mine who was the massage therapist. She tried it, and suggested that I start doing it as a group meditation at the Germantown Healing House, where I was working at the time. It took off, but unfortunately, the Healing House closed due to the economy. Nearly two years later, I found another place interested in this form of meditation. So, I offer it there.
The experience is unique. As all of the participants are seated in chairs, or lotus style, I come in with a container of heated stones in water. I explain to the participants that hot stones have been used for over 5,000 years in healing rituals. Egypt, China and Greece used them just to name a few. Then, I ask them to come pick two stones to hold in their palms. Some people are choosey, some just pick the top two. All of the stones are basalt lava stones at a rather warm temperature. As the participants are reseated, I ask them if they can feel the stones radiating their heat. They all can of course. We dim the lights, and I start the music. The music is especially picked to complement the "script" of the meditation and is put on about the loudness of my voice. I give them a minute to relax. Then I start the meditative suggestions. Each minute brings a new suggestion designed to recharge, or relax a mind, body, spirit point. There are spiritual, psychological and physical suggestions, so it becomes a form of self-hypnosis as the music rises and falls with my suggestion, and if you are truly in the meditative state, it's magical. I feel so much better myself after the hour is over! Interestingly, about half way through, the stones start to cool, and give off a cool calming feeling, so it's like starting out walking on the hot sand, then into the cool ocean.
If you are interested in experiencing this for yourself, the next one is June 21st, 2011 at 7:00 pm. You can see the above website for more information.
I haven't been able to find anyone else who is doing anything like this, so I guess that I've invented a new type of meditation. It's part meditation, part self-hypnosis, and part affirmations, and I enjoy every minute of it! The stones are a true gift from Mother Earth, and really are a help to me, and maybe others, who haven't been able to meditate without worrying about the other thousand things they have to do today.
Until next time!
Love, Angelia
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Peer Pressure of a Different Kind
Some survivors of abuse prefer to keep people at arm's length. After all, letting people get close, may have gotten you hurt in the past.
Our peers aren't all out to hurt us. Some people really don't quite believe that, and I can understand why.
When someone takes an interest in us, it's exciting or scary. We might wonder why they're interested in us. What are their intentions? What do they hope to gain by getting to know us? And, a multitude of other questions like this can come up.
I have been hurt many times by people, by letting them into my life. There were family members who didn't understand me, or even try to. They just judged me, insulted me, and belittled me. There were the "mean girls" in school who insisted that if I wasn't wearing what they were or "in to" what they were, that I was a loser. But, then when I did become "popular", there were girls and guys who said that I was a slut, ugly, dumb for hanging out with so and so, and on and on.
And that could have led me to be a loner, but I didn't let it. Basically, I love people. Some have called me dumb for that, but it's part of who I am.
Even in my adult life, there have been nasty people who have come into my life, only to insult me, hurt me, lie to me, take advantage of me, break my heart, and just plain confuse the heck out of me with their actions!
But, I choose to look at the converse of that. I did have some family who was always there for me, and encouraged me that being me was good enough. I have family that I talk to every day, still. I had friends in school that were always there for me. I still have a few friends from back then. I have new friends who have proved themselves good to me. I have cyber friends whose cheery emails and posts brighten my day, because they always come from a positive, loving place. (their hearts)
So, I believe, that if we look at things through the dark tinted glasses of fear and distrust, we will always see the negative. Nor, should we look at everything with rose colored glasses, pretending that everything is perfect and fine, if it's not. We should strive to see clearly, with no coloring perceptions, no distortions from echoes of the past. Just see what is, then decide if it's good, bad, for you, or not for you.
If we allow our peers to get close enough to make a fair judgement, we may find that they're not as bad as we feared. Of course, there are always going to be people in the world who are going to do unto others before they do unto them, but don't let that ruin your chances of friendship, or even love.
If you can find a balance in yourself, where you are able to allow people into your life, give them the benefit of the doubt, and befriend them, then you can also find a place where you can tell people when they are making you unhappy, and give them a chance to fix it, if they're willing to. If they are not willing to, then you can have the strength to tell them that you are sorry that they feel that way, and let them go their way, and you go yours. That will take practice, of course, and mindfulness of who you are, and what you want in your life, and what you don't.
If you don't feel that way, you can make a list of all of the things that you like, all aspects of your self, spirit, mind and body, then list all of the things that you don't like. By doing that you will start to "see" what you would like in your life, and what you'd prefer to avoid.
We can let others in, and not let them be our lives, but be a part of our lives. All things are transient, and so relationships can be, too. But, a balanced level of investment in our peers can lead us into marvelous friendships or even love.
Think about it!
Love, Angelia
Our peers aren't all out to hurt us. Some people really don't quite believe that, and I can understand why.
When someone takes an interest in us, it's exciting or scary. We might wonder why they're interested in us. What are their intentions? What do they hope to gain by getting to know us? And, a multitude of other questions like this can come up.
I have been hurt many times by people, by letting them into my life. There were family members who didn't understand me, or even try to. They just judged me, insulted me, and belittled me. There were the "mean girls" in school who insisted that if I wasn't wearing what they were or "in to" what they were, that I was a loser. But, then when I did become "popular", there were girls and guys who said that I was a slut, ugly, dumb for hanging out with so and so, and on and on.
And that could have led me to be a loner, but I didn't let it. Basically, I love people. Some have called me dumb for that, but it's part of who I am.
Even in my adult life, there have been nasty people who have come into my life, only to insult me, hurt me, lie to me, take advantage of me, break my heart, and just plain confuse the heck out of me with their actions!
But, I choose to look at the converse of that. I did have some family who was always there for me, and encouraged me that being me was good enough. I have family that I talk to every day, still. I had friends in school that were always there for me. I still have a few friends from back then. I have new friends who have proved themselves good to me. I have cyber friends whose cheery emails and posts brighten my day, because they always come from a positive, loving place. (their hearts)
So, I believe, that if we look at things through the dark tinted glasses of fear and distrust, we will always see the negative. Nor, should we look at everything with rose colored glasses, pretending that everything is perfect and fine, if it's not. We should strive to see clearly, with no coloring perceptions, no distortions from echoes of the past. Just see what is, then decide if it's good, bad, for you, or not for you.
If we allow our peers to get close enough to make a fair judgement, we may find that they're not as bad as we feared. Of course, there are always going to be people in the world who are going to do unto others before they do unto them, but don't let that ruin your chances of friendship, or even love.
If you can find a balance in yourself, where you are able to allow people into your life, give them the benefit of the doubt, and befriend them, then you can also find a place where you can tell people when they are making you unhappy, and give them a chance to fix it, if they're willing to. If they are not willing to, then you can have the strength to tell them that you are sorry that they feel that way, and let them go their way, and you go yours. That will take practice, of course, and mindfulness of who you are, and what you want in your life, and what you don't.
If you don't feel that way, you can make a list of all of the things that you like, all aspects of your self, spirit, mind and body, then list all of the things that you don't like. By doing that you will start to "see" what you would like in your life, and what you'd prefer to avoid.
We can let others in, and not let them be our lives, but be a part of our lives. All things are transient, and so relationships can be, too. But, a balanced level of investment in our peers can lead us into marvelous friendships or even love.
Think about it!
Love, Angelia
Friday, February 11, 2011
Survivors who need a push?
Survivors of abuse are at increased risk for many things.
We are at increased risk for depression, fatalistic attitudes, nervous or psychotic breakdowns, social phobias and "lone-wolf" ways of thinking.
Sometimes we hide from the world, while at other times, we may put ourselves in harm's way, to "prove we're not afraid of anyone or anything". (When really, we know that we are.) Sometimes we're terrified that the abuse or assault will happen again, and go to drastic means to keep that from happening.
There are women in convents that I know of, who went there to feel protected. If we watch the news at all, we see that even nuns are sometimes assaulted. No where is truly safe 100% of the time.
Some people hide in their homes and only have the slightest, superficial relationships with others to keep themselves safe from physical or emotional hurts. I have tried to help some of these women, with only one of them quitting when the going got tough, and not finishing the "Personal Harmony" program that I teach women survivors. She also has a couple of mental disorders that add to her problems, and I guess trying to admit her own problems and not break down from the anxiety, was too much to ask of her frazzled brain. She's under another person's care, and a doctors, and she has talked to me about it, but she doesn't want to continue any more deep emotional work. What she really wants is for someone to wave a magic wand, and all of her problems go away, but that's not going to happen is it? Most people can and do, do the mental work it takes to find a place of peace and harmony with themselves and what has happened to them.
Most people do look for, and find help, but not all. The mental health care system is full of people trying to use pills to fix what only self-examination and self-understanding, and healing time can fix. Chemical depression can be helped with pills, but not the inner wound hurts. They have to be purged like the poison that they are, or they just keep coming up to haunt us.
Some people have just accepted the role of "victim", and that's all they'll see through their dark colored glasses. Everyone is out to get them somehow, and everything goes against them in life. That's not even logically possible, much less probability possible. Until they can open up and accept help, they will never get any better.
Some people live in their own little corner of the world, and may turn into the "old cat lady", that people like to joke about. Their fear outweighs their lonliness, and human friends are just too risky!
"Rebel Without A Cause"? Rarely. Most "outcasts" have a reason for feeling like one, and a good percentage of the time, some psychological, emotional, verbal, or physical abuse is at the root of such ways of thinking and behaviors. No one can fix these "lone wolves", a million + women and men have tried. Only they can decide that this is a problem in their lives, and sadly, most of them won't. They enjoy their distance, it keeps them safe. But, on the occasions when they do, they can go back, revisit then heal what led them to this antisocial way of life, and can enrich their lives and those of the people whose lives they touch. Trust me, I know. "OOOWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Just a howl-out to those kindred souls who might need a push!
Until next time!
Love, Angelia
We are at increased risk for depression, fatalistic attitudes, nervous or psychotic breakdowns, social phobias and "lone-wolf" ways of thinking.
Sometimes we hide from the world, while at other times, we may put ourselves in harm's way, to "prove we're not afraid of anyone or anything". (When really, we know that we are.) Sometimes we're terrified that the abuse or assault will happen again, and go to drastic means to keep that from happening.
There are women in convents that I know of, who went there to feel protected. If we watch the news at all, we see that even nuns are sometimes assaulted. No where is truly safe 100% of the time.
Some people hide in their homes and only have the slightest, superficial relationships with others to keep themselves safe from physical or emotional hurts. I have tried to help some of these women, with only one of them quitting when the going got tough, and not finishing the "Personal Harmony" program that I teach women survivors. She also has a couple of mental disorders that add to her problems, and I guess trying to admit her own problems and not break down from the anxiety, was too much to ask of her frazzled brain. She's under another person's care, and a doctors, and she has talked to me about it, but she doesn't want to continue any more deep emotional work. What she really wants is for someone to wave a magic wand, and all of her problems go away, but that's not going to happen is it? Most people can and do, do the mental work it takes to find a place of peace and harmony with themselves and what has happened to them.
Most people do look for, and find help, but not all. The mental health care system is full of people trying to use pills to fix what only self-examination and self-understanding, and healing time can fix. Chemical depression can be helped with pills, but not the inner wound hurts. They have to be purged like the poison that they are, or they just keep coming up to haunt us.
Some people have just accepted the role of "victim", and that's all they'll see through their dark colored glasses. Everyone is out to get them somehow, and everything goes against them in life. That's not even logically possible, much less probability possible. Until they can open up and accept help, they will never get any better.
Some people live in their own little corner of the world, and may turn into the "old cat lady", that people like to joke about. Their fear outweighs their lonliness, and human friends are just too risky!
"Rebel Without A Cause"? Rarely. Most "outcasts" have a reason for feeling like one, and a good percentage of the time, some psychological, emotional, verbal, or physical abuse is at the root of such ways of thinking and behaviors. No one can fix these "lone wolves", a million + women and men have tried. Only they can decide that this is a problem in their lives, and sadly, most of them won't. They enjoy their distance, it keeps them safe. But, on the occasions when they do, they can go back, revisit then heal what led them to this antisocial way of life, and can enrich their lives and those of the people whose lives they touch. Trust me, I know. "OOOWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Just a howl-out to those kindred souls who might need a push!
Until next time!
Love, Angelia
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