How do you feel about yourself?
I mean for REAL, not what you tell other people! Because I have heard some really amazingly self-defeating and destructive self-beliefs in my travels!
First of all, I will tell you as a minister of the Lord, I don't believe that anyone is going to hell because they are gay or because you have the occasional ungracious thought about the next person. I could be wrong, no one here on this Earth alive knows for sure, but I believe that if God is a loving God, no one can be persecuted for who they love. And Jesus, who knew we were human, said that none of us would be perfect. We certainly aren't, and if you think that you are, think again!
Do you believe, as I do, that every child born into this world, is a perfectly lovable child of God? And even though there are people born with mental illnesses that lead them in future to be a danger to themselves and others, more often than not, you can trace maladjustment and social problems back to good ol' mom, dad, or whoever raised the child. I heard a psychologist say one day, "There are no such things as bad kids, only bad parents."
And, if you are constantly letting people walk all over you and say, "I just have a big heart", well that usually boils down to you looking for love and acceptance at any cost, usually going back to someone's neglecting or bullying you. (No, I don't think I'll win any popularity contests with this entry, but, that's not the point of it, obviously!)
And none of us are magazine-model perfect. There was just a big expose where they showed how even a beautiful model was air-brushed and stretched on a computer to put into the next magazine. We are humans with human bodies, and even the most gorgeous angel of a model, has flaws. (Just ask them, they'd be happy to point them all out, which is unfortunate!) We are never happy with what we've got. And, if you've noticed, it's funny that the straight haired girl wants curls, and the one with curly hair wants it to be straight, and we spend good money to get it! Not to even start on the makeup and face creams to look younger!
So, think about what you're telling yourself about yourself. Do you believe it, or did you hear it somewhere else first? Do your beliefs about yourself hold you back? Do your beliefs about yourself hurt you?
Were you persecuted by a "religious" authority who said you were a sinner or evil for just being who you are? Is that what Jesus would do? Jesus regularly dined with publicans and sinners. It's sad the evils committed in God's name!
We are all God's children. Even the mentally ill ones, the gay ones, the different colored ones, the different personality from ours' ones, all of us. There are some people who shouldn't have children, and I've advocated that parents on Medicaid should have to attend parenting classes, but really, I think everybody should! Development comes in steps and stages, and if one gets missed or messed up, it's hard to go back later on if life, and fix it for yourself! (But, it can be done! And that's one of the things I do with my clients!)
NO ONE is worth making yourself a martyr for! Not even the sexiest person alive! ;) So, if you find yourself doing all the work in a relationship and feeling like someone's door mat, ask yourself, am I that desperate for love? Shouldn't I love myself at least as much as I'm caring about this person? I'm sure your narcissist abuser won't see it that way, but, you should look out for #1 at some point in your relationships with others. Love shouldn't hurt!
If you don't like something about yourself, change it people say. But, why not learn to embrace it. I'm not saying eat yourself to death or don't bathe, but why isn't your wavy hair o.k. to you? I straightened or curled my hair for years then with the help of a smart therapist one day, I traced my hair issues back to the point where my father said that I had "Jew-girl hair" because it wasn't straight or curly, but was wavy, frizzy with any moisture in the air, and hung in tendrils. So, now, I think, "why not be o.k. with my hair the way it is?!" I am multi-ethnic and my hair shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows me, much less my parents whose DNA gave me this hair?! But, occasionally I hear myself knock my hair and get mad at myself for allowing that old, negative self-image tape play that someone else recorded in my head! And I used to have a figure measuring 36-24-36, but now it's more of a 40 straight, but I've had 3 healthy children and I don't overeat on a regular basis, and with my health being bad, I'm not going to hurt myself further to starve myself to be "perfect" again!
So, when people start telling me what I can do to "improve" myself, I start to ask them, why do you think that this area of me needs improving? That usually comes back to some problem with their own feelings about their standards. I'm not perfect, and I know it! But, God made me the perfect child that He wanted me to be. Don't I owe it to Him to at least try and love myself, grow closer to Him, be smart in my dealings with the world, not allow myself to be a martyr, because Jesus did that for me, so that I didn't have to, and to be o.k. with the body that He put me into, because He had His reasons?
Think about it!
Until next time!
Love,
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP, PFA II
Minister-Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach & Education
Executive Director-Healing Families' Lives
Monday, December 30, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Why Advocate For Yourself?
Learning to advocate for ourselves effectively is an important life skill. After all, who is going to do that for us, if we won't?
Some of us get trapped in martyr mode, and put others first before us. That is the quickest way to burn-out and mental illness. If we are not taking care of ourselves, then we really can't effectively be there for anybody else.
I had an experience recently where I really wanted to help a friend build her business, but I realized that in putting my time in for her, I was limiting the time I could put in for my endeavors. I held in there for as long as I could, but eventually, I saw that I was really hurting my chances for growth. So, I had to explain this to my friend and stick to my convictions and do what I knew was right for me.
Advocating for yourself is never easy. Some people hate conflict, and won't even do it. I have a son who is 21 years old, and still will not advocate for himself, and often gets used by co-workers, so called friends and unscrupulous young women. This is a skill his school counselors, social workers and I have been working with him on since elementary school, but he is very shy and mentally disabled, so it is hard for us to gauge whether he will acquire this skill or not. I don't like the idea of him being used by everyone who is of that character, who's path he crosses! Only time will tell if he will become capable of that.
No one likes to be used, but if you find yourself constantly allowing that to happen to yourself, then that's what you will attract in your life. My ex-husband said that before his mental illness arose and I turned him in for abuse, that he knew that I would do anything for him and the boys to detriment to myself. And, he was right. I have osteosclerosis and myelofibrosis to prove it! He used me like his personal slave, and encouraged the boys to make big messes that mom would clean up tomorrow because that was her job. My back and hips hurt many a day, but I had been raised that that was a mother's lot, to work and toil herself to the bone for her family, so that's what I literally did!
But, when I went to the doctor one day, and found out what was happening to my body, it had to stop! I still maintain that that was one of the reasons my ex. abused me, was because I stood up for myself, and made the boys pick up after themselves, and put limits on what I would do around the house to spare my dying body.
So, I know that it's scary to advocate for yourself if you feel that you're being used, or passed over for promotion, or being treated unfairly for one reason or another, or even that someone you love is using you, while they are out having fun with other lovers, and they want you to sit home alone and pine for them while they party. But, I'm telling you from experience, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself to stand up for yourself.
You have the right to live the life that you want. You have the right to be treated fairly. And love should be mutual and never hurt.
If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, then practice in the mirror or with a friend. Some assertiveness trainings are good, but I have witnessed others that advocate you becoming a jerk, which is not good either! You know what you want out of your life, and out of any relationship. So, if you aren't happy with it, you have the right to change it.
The first step is to speak up! If something isn't what you want, or doesn't feel right to you, speak up. Maybe the other person has just not seen it from your point of view before.
Try to negotiate a way for both of you to get what you want out of the situation. Usually people will not want to give up on whatever the relationship is, and will be willing to find a way to keep both of you happy.
If you do realize that you are being used, or unfairly treated and the other person insists on not changing anything, and you realize that to continue in this way is detrimental to you spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically, then you absolutely have the right to walk away. It won't be easy, and there may be tears or even trouble, but you are the ultimate authority on you. You alone can know what is best for you.
Learning to be your own best advocate takes time and practice, but eventually, you will find a way to do that effectively for yourself and your world will be all the richer for it!
Until next time!
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP
Owner/Operator Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach & Education
Founder/Executive Director Healing Families' Lives, Inc.
502-363-3427
http://groupspaces.com/WorksofHeartWomen'sMinistryOut
https://healingfamilieslives.bravesites.com
Some of us get trapped in martyr mode, and put others first before us. That is the quickest way to burn-out and mental illness. If we are not taking care of ourselves, then we really can't effectively be there for anybody else.
I had an experience recently where I really wanted to help a friend build her business, but I realized that in putting my time in for her, I was limiting the time I could put in for my endeavors. I held in there for as long as I could, but eventually, I saw that I was really hurting my chances for growth. So, I had to explain this to my friend and stick to my convictions and do what I knew was right for me.
Advocating for yourself is never easy. Some people hate conflict, and won't even do it. I have a son who is 21 years old, and still will not advocate for himself, and often gets used by co-workers, so called friends and unscrupulous young women. This is a skill his school counselors, social workers and I have been working with him on since elementary school, but he is very shy and mentally disabled, so it is hard for us to gauge whether he will acquire this skill or not. I don't like the idea of him being used by everyone who is of that character, who's path he crosses! Only time will tell if he will become capable of that.
No one likes to be used, but if you find yourself constantly allowing that to happen to yourself, then that's what you will attract in your life. My ex-husband said that before his mental illness arose and I turned him in for abuse, that he knew that I would do anything for him and the boys to detriment to myself. And, he was right. I have osteosclerosis and myelofibrosis to prove it! He used me like his personal slave, and encouraged the boys to make big messes that mom would clean up tomorrow because that was her job. My back and hips hurt many a day, but I had been raised that that was a mother's lot, to work and toil herself to the bone for her family, so that's what I literally did!
But, when I went to the doctor one day, and found out what was happening to my body, it had to stop! I still maintain that that was one of the reasons my ex. abused me, was because I stood up for myself, and made the boys pick up after themselves, and put limits on what I would do around the house to spare my dying body.
So, I know that it's scary to advocate for yourself if you feel that you're being used, or passed over for promotion, or being treated unfairly for one reason or another, or even that someone you love is using you, while they are out having fun with other lovers, and they want you to sit home alone and pine for them while they party. But, I'm telling you from experience, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself to stand up for yourself.
You have the right to live the life that you want. You have the right to be treated fairly. And love should be mutual and never hurt.
If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, then practice in the mirror or with a friend. Some assertiveness trainings are good, but I have witnessed others that advocate you becoming a jerk, which is not good either! You know what you want out of your life, and out of any relationship. So, if you aren't happy with it, you have the right to change it.
The first step is to speak up! If something isn't what you want, or doesn't feel right to you, speak up. Maybe the other person has just not seen it from your point of view before.
Try to negotiate a way for both of you to get what you want out of the situation. Usually people will not want to give up on whatever the relationship is, and will be willing to find a way to keep both of you happy.
If you do realize that you are being used, or unfairly treated and the other person insists on not changing anything, and you realize that to continue in this way is detrimental to you spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically, then you absolutely have the right to walk away. It won't be easy, and there may be tears or even trouble, but you are the ultimate authority on you. You alone can know what is best for you.
Learning to be your own best advocate takes time and practice, but eventually, you will find a way to do that effectively for yourself and your world will be all the richer for it!
Until next time!
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP
Owner/Operator Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach & Education
Founder/Executive Director Healing Families' Lives, Inc.
502-363-3427
http://groupspaces.com/WorksofHeartWomen'sMinistryOut
https://healingfamilieslives.bravesites.com
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Getting There
Experience takes us where we want to go. No one has learned any lessons without experience. It may be educational experience, job experience, or life experience that have brought you to where you are, but it all boils down to our experiences.
Most of us pursue a line of work or study that we are competent at. It feels good to be recognized for your success, so as the good grades and praise come, we continue to follow that path.
We all like to be included in our peer group. The best way to achieve that, is to be successful in what it is we are doing. People notice that, and reward us with the praise and attention that makes us feel that we are a worthy inclusion to our group.
The only way to rise to the top of a group, is to grow. You may grow yourself, your business, or whatever it is that you are pursuing. By adopting a mindset of optimism, that you can reach the top, and sticking to your goal plan, you can achieve your goals step by step.
As members of a community, we all want to be noticed, liked and maybe even recognized or celebrated for our uniqueness as a person, or in our profession as a success story. We thrive in communities where people reach out to each other and help and care about one another. We can even gather our own community around us of others who are like us, and do like us.
When we reach for and achieve our goals, we are happier, and people around us notice this. By being who we are, we make the world a better place, and give others permission to be who they are. We all like to be noticed, praised and recognized for the uniqueness that is us.
Until next time!
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP, PFA
Most of us pursue a line of work or study that we are competent at. It feels good to be recognized for your success, so as the good grades and praise come, we continue to follow that path.
We all like to be included in our peer group. The best way to achieve that, is to be successful in what it is we are doing. People notice that, and reward us with the praise and attention that makes us feel that we are a worthy inclusion to our group.
The only way to rise to the top of a group, is to grow. You may grow yourself, your business, or whatever it is that you are pursuing. By adopting a mindset of optimism, that you can reach the top, and sticking to your goal plan, you can achieve your goals step by step.
As members of a community, we all want to be noticed, liked and maybe even recognized or celebrated for our uniqueness as a person, or in our profession as a success story. We thrive in communities where people reach out to each other and help and care about one another. We can even gather our own community around us of others who are like us, and do like us.
When we reach for and achieve our goals, we are happier, and people around us notice this. By being who we are, we make the world a better place, and give others permission to be who they are. We all like to be noticed, praised and recognized for the uniqueness that is us.
Until next time!
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP, PFA
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