Why Advocate For Yourself?

Learning to advocate for ourselves effectively is an important life skill.  After all, who is going to do that for us, if we won't?

Some of us get trapped in martyr mode, and put others first before us.  That is the quickest way to burn-out and mental illness.  If we are not taking care of ourselves, then we really can't effectively be there for anybody else. 

I had an experience recently where I really wanted to help a friend build her business, but I realized that in putting my time in for her, I was limiting the time I could put in for my endeavors.  I held in there for as long as I could, but eventually, I saw that I was really hurting my chances for growth.  So, I had to explain this to my friend and stick to my convictions and do what I knew was right for me. 

Advocating for yourself is never easy.  Some people hate conflict, and won't even do it.  I have a son who is 21 years old, and still will not advocate for himself, and often gets used by co-workers, so called friends and unscrupulous young women.  This is a skill his school counselors, social workers and I have been working with him on since elementary school, but he is very shy and mentally disabled, so it is hard for us to gauge whether he will acquire this skill or not.  I don't like the idea of him being used by everyone who is of that character, who's path he crosses!  Only time will tell if he will become capable of that.

No one likes to be used, but if you find yourself constantly allowing that to happen to yourself, then that's what you will attract in your life.  My ex-husband said that before his mental illness arose and I turned him in for abuse, that he knew that I would do anything for him and the boys to detriment to myself.  And, he was right.  I have osteosclerosis and myelofibrosis to prove it!  He used me like his personal slave, and encouraged the boys to make big messes that mom would clean up tomorrow because that was her job.  My back and hips hurt many a day, but I had been raised that that was a mother's lot, to work and toil herself to the bone for her family, so that's what I literally did!

But, when I went to the doctor one day, and found out what was happening to my body, it had to stop!  I still maintain that that was one of the reasons my ex. abused me, was because I stood up for myself, and made the boys pick up after themselves, and put limits on what I would do around the house to spare my dying body. 

So, I know that it's scary to advocate for yourself if you feel that you're being used, or passed over for promotion, or being treated unfairly for one reason or another, or even that someone you love is using you, while they are out having fun with other lovers, and they want you to sit home alone and pine for them while they party.  But, I'm telling you from experience, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself to stand up for yourself.

You have the right to live the life that you want.  You have the right to be treated fairly.  And love should be mutual and never hurt. 

If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, then practice in the mirror or with a friend.  Some assertiveness trainings are good, but I have witnessed others that advocate you becoming a jerk, which is not good either!  You know what you want out of your life, and out of any relationship.  So, if you aren't happy with it, you have the right to change it.

The first step is to speak up!  If something isn't what you want, or doesn't feel right to you, speak up.  Maybe the other person has just not seen it from your point of view before. 

Try to negotiate a way for both of you to get what you want out of the situation.  Usually people will not want to give up on whatever the relationship is, and will be willing to find a way to keep both of you happy. 

If you do realize that you are being used, or unfairly treated and the other person insists on not changing anything, and you realize that to continue in this way is detrimental to you spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically, then you absolutely have the right to walk away.  It won't be easy, and there may be tears or even trouble, but you are the ultimate authority on you.  You alone can know what is best for you. 

Learning to be your own best advocate takes time and practice, but eventually, you will find a way to do that effectively for yourself and your world will be all the richer for it!

Until next time!

Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP
Owner/Operator Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach & Education
Founder/Executive Director Healing Families' Lives, Inc.
502-363-3427
http://groupspaces.com/WorksofHeartWomen'sMinistryOut
https://healingfamilieslives.bravesites.com