I just learned that a friend's child was attacked on Halloween. This made me so upset! I have heard adults say unsavory things about children during Trick or Treat, and would never allow my children to go without an adult. In general we should teach school-aged children to keep their parents or guardians informed of where they are going to be, and who they'll be with, and what they'll be doing. At first you may get some resistance with this approach, but if they wish to go out, they'll soon enough get on board! Remind them that after all, your job is to raise them, and protecting them is part of that job.
Alot of parents tell me that they are just too stressed out to be that attentive. That's just a cop out. More accidents and crimes against children happen when parents are inattentive and not spending time with their children. Wouldn't any parent take precautions if they KNEW that they would stop an accident or attack? Of course you would! So, I suggest that you do act like you know that being involved will stop an incident. Don't go overboard and become paranoid, though. We all need some breathing room, especially teenagers. But being involved and knowing where your child is, who they are with, and what they are doing can help you find them in an emergency, know who the bad influences may be, know whose parents you need to talk to, and what your child likes or dislikes. It is not unreasonable to know what's going on in your own child's life when they are out of your sight, despite what they may tell you.
If your child is very active, and you can't possibly attend all of their events, games, etc. see if there is a grandparent, uncle, aunt or friend who can be there for them. Then be sure to ask them how it went. If your child is adventuresome and is prone to going a little too far to satisfy their curiousity, then set up weekly times for library, museum, game or movie dates to keep their curiousity busy. Impulsive children must be monitered closely. Invite friends to come to your home where they can be supervised, or be honest with the friends' parents about your child's problems such as ADHD, which may cause your child to do impulsive things. Disabled children are more vulnerable to accidents than others.
Raising your child is your job. They are wonderful, vulnerable little people who should be protected and not left to the cold streets for an upbringing. All of the studies done on the subject, show how important it is for adults to be involved in a child's life. Being involved is not being nosy. Your child needs to learn that. Your job is to protect them from things that they are not savy enough to protect themselves from yet. I don't care how busy your life is, you need to be involved! It makes all of the difference. If you can't be there yourself, make sure a trusted adult is their to supervise and guide them. Always ask how their day at school, practice, outings, went. Then LISTEN. A "wild child" who is always "on", will only grow worse if turned out at daybreak and called in at sunset. Be honest with yourself enough to not believe that your unsupervised children are safe and not getting into trouble. It only takes a second for a bad decision to become a tragedy.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Extending Groups
Did you go to a traditional school, public, or private school? Does it make a difference? The statistics say yes, it does! Students who were enrolled in extended year programs found in some private and public schools were found to have scores that were higher on average in Math by 6 points, in Reading higher by 4 points and in General Knowledge, by 8 points!
Children learn by what they see, and by how well their imagination is stimulated to help them form creative thinking that leads to problem solving. They can think better when their environment is consistantly giving them learning experiences and chances to put what they've learned into practice.
Children learn not in a straight line, but more like a web, where they start in the middle and make connections as they move out. They learn that some things change and some things stay the same.
Even if you did not recieve a stellar education you can go back and learn things for yourself to expand your knowledge where you want to. Even if your home, neighborhood and cultural environment did not lead to you finding and reaching goals, it's never too late to go back and pinpoint your childhood dreams, set a goal and work towards it. You can teach your own children, as every interaction that you have with them can be an opportunity to expand their knowledge and critical thinking. We all have the ability to expand our horizons. We just have to take that first step and do it.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
Children learn by what they see, and by how well their imagination is stimulated to help them form creative thinking that leads to problem solving. They can think better when their environment is consistantly giving them learning experiences and chances to put what they've learned into practice.
Children learn not in a straight line, but more like a web, where they start in the middle and make connections as they move out. They learn that some things change and some things stay the same.
Even if you did not recieve a stellar education you can go back and learn things for yourself to expand your knowledge where you want to. Even if your home, neighborhood and cultural environment did not lead to you finding and reaching goals, it's never too late to go back and pinpoint your childhood dreams, set a goal and work towards it. You can teach your own children, as every interaction that you have with them can be an opportunity to expand their knowledge and critical thinking. We all have the ability to expand our horizons. We just have to take that first step and do it.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Explaining
Children often need explanations for things, and we as adults are no different. We all have questions. Children have ALOT of questions! Questions about things that happened in school and every other aspect of their lives! Questions about going places seem to be a big one for them. "How long will we be there?" "What will we do there?", etc. Answering these questions honestly is always the best policy. It reassures them, and keeps you from having to hear the same question over and over again. Children who are prepared for what's likely going to happen are less anxious, and that goes for us adults, too! Our days are full of unknowns so it's nice to get an explanation when we can!
As children we worry that visits will be boring and unpleasant even. Kindergarten is a major stressor if children have no idea of what to expect. Our lives all have certain areas where we know most likely what's going to happen, and then there are gray areas where we hope for the best. Each day, though scheduled with familiar tasks and activities, is a new and different one. Each class in school is an opportunity for learning, and we know that explanations of what's expected of us will be given. The same goes true for job duties. If you haven't read the poem, "Everything That I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" it's a really good one, and you should look it up! It's all about simple explanations for how to live your life. Life has lots of teachers for us with varying explanations about everything. Spring gives us a new outlook every year, even though, every year, it comes. Our life is our ultimate classroom and it's our job to look for the explanations that matter to us.
Routine helps us feel secure and gives us an explanation of what's expected of us that day. Our homes can be much more organized by routine. Giving children a routine helps them learn time management, and also helps them feel more secure. Schools use routine to get the most out of student's time there, and to ease transitions from one subject to the next. Time management helps us all know when it's time to do a certain thing, and when to move on to the next thing. We eat breakfast in the morning, dinner in the evening etc. Routine can become boring it it's not fulfilling us in some way, but it also can make us feel secure that everything is fine. Children especially thrive in routine. Scheduling household chores etc. can let you find time to squeeze it all in. We learn from the routine. We all need to feel secure. If we learn from the explanations we find, and organize our lives into a routine, even though it may need to be a flexible one, we can make the most of the time we have here.
We don't get an explanation for everything in our lives. We don't know exactly what's going to happen all of the time. If we explain everything we can to our children, they have less stress, and a bigger knowledge base. If we learn all we can about a situation, or place, or person, instead of just diving in head first, we will have a reasonable explanation of what to expect from them.
Be your best butterfly!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
amsc363@cs.com
As children we worry that visits will be boring and unpleasant even. Kindergarten is a major stressor if children have no idea of what to expect. Our lives all have certain areas where we know most likely what's going to happen, and then there are gray areas where we hope for the best. Each day, though scheduled with familiar tasks and activities, is a new and different one. Each class in school is an opportunity for learning, and we know that explanations of what's expected of us will be given. The same goes true for job duties. If you haven't read the poem, "Everything That I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" it's a really good one, and you should look it up! It's all about simple explanations for how to live your life. Life has lots of teachers for us with varying explanations about everything. Spring gives us a new outlook every year, even though, every year, it comes. Our life is our ultimate classroom and it's our job to look for the explanations that matter to us.
Routine helps us feel secure and gives us an explanation of what's expected of us that day. Our homes can be much more organized by routine. Giving children a routine helps them learn time management, and also helps them feel more secure. Schools use routine to get the most out of student's time there, and to ease transitions from one subject to the next. Time management helps us all know when it's time to do a certain thing, and when to move on to the next thing. We eat breakfast in the morning, dinner in the evening etc. Routine can become boring it it's not fulfilling us in some way, but it also can make us feel secure that everything is fine. Children especially thrive in routine. Scheduling household chores etc. can let you find time to squeeze it all in. We learn from the routine. We all need to feel secure. If we learn from the explanations we find, and organize our lives into a routine, even though it may need to be a flexible one, we can make the most of the time we have here.
We don't get an explanation for everything in our lives. We don't know exactly what's going to happen all of the time. If we explain everything we can to our children, they have less stress, and a bigger knowledge base. If we learn all we can about a situation, or place, or person, instead of just diving in head first, we will have a reasonable explanation of what to expect from them.
Be your best butterfly!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
amsc363@cs.com
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Understanding and Empathy
We should always be there for our children. They have fears just like we do. They have concerns just like we do. They have problems just like we do. They each have a unique point of view, just like we do. We should take all of these things seriously, and help our children to deal with them. Parents are the first line of defense for upsetting situations in life. If we teach them how to deal with them when they are young, then they will be more able to do so for themselves when they are older. Teaching THEM how to do it is important, because if YOU solve all of their problems for them, then they will only learn how to be dependant on you to solve life's problems for them. Problems are going to happen. Each child is different, and therefore reacts to things differently, so what may have not been a problem for one child, can be a big one for another. We all have our own "issues", and knowing what your child's are can help you know when you should step in for a life 101 lesson, and when to let them brainstorm for themselves. Embarrassment can be a big problem for kids. They aren't ready yet to let words go and they internalize each mean or embarrassing thing said and done to them. When they come to you with incidences that cause them embarrassment it's important for you as the parent to help build their self esteem back up and remind them that some kids can be mean, and that they are a wonderful, unique individual to not let others define them for their percieved short comings, whether they actually are a problem or not. That will help them navigate our emotional minefields later in life. A child's issues are as important as an adults. Especially to them. Being "just a kid" doesn't make things hurt any less, but actually more, because they are emotionally immature and can't deal with upsets as easily as an adult can. Anything important enough for someone to be upset about, is important. If we use our understanding to help them see things from a bigger perspective, that will help show them that, someday, they will be as able to think things out as you can, and will give them confidence that they will be o.k. in the adult world, not left behind by the mean perceptions that others are spouting at them now. Children's perspective you must understand is alot more big, scary and powerful. If you can remember how it felt to be little and everything was so big and you didn't understand alot of things and you felt powerless, then you can empathize with your children and help them cope with their fears and feelings of inadequacy. We should all show concern for a child's problem so that they know that they are important to us. Remembering how you felt as a child, and having knowledge of who your child is and how they think will help you be able to help them come up with strategies for dealing with their problems in a constructive manner which will build their self esteem, confidence and a positive outlook on life.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
Thursday, September 17, 2009
It All Starts At Home
If children know what to expect, they will usually behave appropriately. We can teach them to take turns, talk in their "indoor voices" where they're expected to, and common sense things like this. If you are feeling nervous about taking your children out, they feel this too, and will act out. Children love praise, and any comment on good behavior will reinforce it, unless someone else comes along and derails that self-esteem builder.
Kids have anxieties, too. Leaving home is an anxiety builder. What is going to happen? Will I like it, or will it be horrible? Starting school is a major anxiety for some children. Socializing with other children can be a source of anxiety. Having friends and fitting in can cause anxiety. Self-consciousness about percieved weaknesses can cause anxiety. Peer pressure. Feeling bullied or unsafe. Even not doing well academically can cause stress.
Parents are the first source of stability, or instability, in the life of a child. Check your own behavior before dealing with your child's. Some children are born more anxious than others. I know this first hand because my middle child has Asperger's. He chews his clothes, nails and anything else handy. He can't handle any upset without "freaking out" as my other children call it. Children are very sensitive to their parent's anxieties. If I express any anxiety while my middle one's around, the worry fest starts! If a child senses fear in a parent, this increases their own fear. Parents who are anxious about their child going off to school, may cause undue anxiety in their child. Pressure to succeed academically from parents can cause a child stress. Pressure to perform in sports can cause a child stress. The child's own motivation, confidence and enjoyment should always come first. Forcing a child to do anything does not build character. It builds an anxious, stressed out child.
Pay attention to your child and notice what causes them anxiety. You can not help them with a problem that you do not see. If your child doesn't want to go to school when they feel well, ask why. Sometimes it is necessary to talk to other children's parents about situations, and then we must show maturity, tact, and sensitivity to be a good example for our own child.
Help the child create solutions to their problems. If you can help the child brainstorm, then choose logical solutions to their problems, they will feel more confident that they CAN master their life. It also teaches children problem solving and logical thinking.
Precocious children are their own special breed. They get bored easy. Advanced classes can help keep their minds occupied. These children may act out in school if the work is so easy that they finish before their peers and aren't given anything to do while waiting for the others to catch up. Children who are cognitively ahead of their peers realize this and may make comments that seem snide to others, but it is really frustration that others can not keep up with them that drives this kind of behavior. Emotional maturity can also be a frustration to these children. They may not understand why their peers think the way that they do, and therefore reject them as cold, or mean. If a teacher or parent realizes that a child is way ahead of the class, they should take steps to keep this child interested in school by advanced classes, enrichment by parents after school, or any program that can keep the child's attention and imagination. By the same example, if a child is found to be way behind the others, steps should be taken to get the child help through ECE services to have any learning disabilities identified, and therefore strategies to keep this child up with their peers can be implemented.
Find out what your child is interested in. Encourage them to follow their dreams. Don't push them, but allow them to develop at their own pace.
Keep your child's life as balanced as possible. Children grow through experiences. In a family, you can take turns doing activities that each person likes, on different evenings. Children will learn what they like, what they don't and tolerance for differences in people.
Keep your child motivated. Advanced children especially will lose interest in anything that can't keep their attention. Have enrichment activities at home. You can set aside an hour a day for this. There are so many educational outlets that parents have access to, you can pick and choose what your child is interested in and even keep them involved in the process of learning what interests them.
New kids. New kids worry about fitting in. Do they have the right clothes? Will I have someone to sit with at lunch? New kids can go into worry mode fast. Even though we know school is primarily an environment for learning, we all also know that it is also our major social environment for at least twelve years! It is the strongest source of peer pressure and cyclical popular culture. We all are initiated in some way into it's "Lord of the Flies" mentality whether we want to be or not. It is the second biggest influence in our lives. It is a culture.
If you weren't motivated in school, it's never to late to go back and pursue your interests. What kept your attention in school? You don't have to go back to college, unless you want to. There is so much information out there now through books, internet and courses that you can be an expert in your chosen field to the degree that you want to. What was your motivation to "be" when you grew up? You can take steps to do that now if you never had the chance before.
Change is scary. We see sixty year olds on college campus' now pursuing advanced degrees. They aren't worried about fitting in, they're worried about being who they know that they were meant to be. If we lost our environment, we can go back and find it. We don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks, because it is our life after all, not theirs. Don't let naysayers rob you of your dreams. If your school experience was not a good one, just remember that those kids are grown and gone now, and have no influence in your life now, unless you give it to them. Don't let the mean kids rob you of who you are meant to be.
Until next blog! I recommend www.nospank.net
Love, Angelia
Kids have anxieties, too. Leaving home is an anxiety builder. What is going to happen? Will I like it, or will it be horrible? Starting school is a major anxiety for some children. Socializing with other children can be a source of anxiety. Having friends and fitting in can cause anxiety. Self-consciousness about percieved weaknesses can cause anxiety. Peer pressure. Feeling bullied or unsafe. Even not doing well academically can cause stress.
Parents are the first source of stability, or instability, in the life of a child. Check your own behavior before dealing with your child's. Some children are born more anxious than others. I know this first hand because my middle child has Asperger's. He chews his clothes, nails and anything else handy. He can't handle any upset without "freaking out" as my other children call it. Children are very sensitive to their parent's anxieties. If I express any anxiety while my middle one's around, the worry fest starts! If a child senses fear in a parent, this increases their own fear. Parents who are anxious about their child going off to school, may cause undue anxiety in their child. Pressure to succeed academically from parents can cause a child stress. Pressure to perform in sports can cause a child stress. The child's own motivation, confidence and enjoyment should always come first. Forcing a child to do anything does not build character. It builds an anxious, stressed out child.
Pay attention to your child and notice what causes them anxiety. You can not help them with a problem that you do not see. If your child doesn't want to go to school when they feel well, ask why. Sometimes it is necessary to talk to other children's parents about situations, and then we must show maturity, tact, and sensitivity to be a good example for our own child.
Help the child create solutions to their problems. If you can help the child brainstorm, then choose logical solutions to their problems, they will feel more confident that they CAN master their life. It also teaches children problem solving and logical thinking.
Precocious children are their own special breed. They get bored easy. Advanced classes can help keep their minds occupied. These children may act out in school if the work is so easy that they finish before their peers and aren't given anything to do while waiting for the others to catch up. Children who are cognitively ahead of their peers realize this and may make comments that seem snide to others, but it is really frustration that others can not keep up with them that drives this kind of behavior. Emotional maturity can also be a frustration to these children. They may not understand why their peers think the way that they do, and therefore reject them as cold, or mean. If a teacher or parent realizes that a child is way ahead of the class, they should take steps to keep this child interested in school by advanced classes, enrichment by parents after school, or any program that can keep the child's attention and imagination. By the same example, if a child is found to be way behind the others, steps should be taken to get the child help through ECE services to have any learning disabilities identified, and therefore strategies to keep this child up with their peers can be implemented.
Find out what your child is interested in. Encourage them to follow their dreams. Don't push them, but allow them to develop at their own pace.
Keep your child's life as balanced as possible. Children grow through experiences. In a family, you can take turns doing activities that each person likes, on different evenings. Children will learn what they like, what they don't and tolerance for differences in people.
Keep your child motivated. Advanced children especially will lose interest in anything that can't keep their attention. Have enrichment activities at home. You can set aside an hour a day for this. There are so many educational outlets that parents have access to, you can pick and choose what your child is interested in and even keep them involved in the process of learning what interests them.
New kids. New kids worry about fitting in. Do they have the right clothes? Will I have someone to sit with at lunch? New kids can go into worry mode fast. Even though we know school is primarily an environment for learning, we all also know that it is also our major social environment for at least twelve years! It is the strongest source of peer pressure and cyclical popular culture. We all are initiated in some way into it's "Lord of the Flies" mentality whether we want to be or not. It is the second biggest influence in our lives. It is a culture.
If you weren't motivated in school, it's never to late to go back and pursue your interests. What kept your attention in school? You don't have to go back to college, unless you want to. There is so much information out there now through books, internet and courses that you can be an expert in your chosen field to the degree that you want to. What was your motivation to "be" when you grew up? You can take steps to do that now if you never had the chance before.
Change is scary. We see sixty year olds on college campus' now pursuing advanced degrees. They aren't worried about fitting in, they're worried about being who they know that they were meant to be. If we lost our environment, we can go back and find it. We don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks, because it is our life after all, not theirs. Don't let naysayers rob you of your dreams. If your school experience was not a good one, just remember that those kids are grown and gone now, and have no influence in your life now, unless you give it to them. Don't let the mean kids rob you of who you are meant to be.
Until next blog! I recommend www.nospank.net
Love, Angelia
Friday, August 21, 2009
Our Own Personal Ecology
We are who we are because of how, where, when and why we developed in all of the ways that we did, or didn't. You can't pick and choose your traits until you understand why you have them. Every experience that you have ever had has had a hand in shaping who you are today. Things change and how we are able or unable to cope with that change helps shape our relationships with others.
Our values and strengths were taught to us in the beginning. Later on we can choose the values that suit us best, and discover which of our strengths we want to spend time using. The society we grow up in can effect our choices and our expectations. How milestones in our lives are looked upon by our society can be sources of pride, or shame if we do not meet them, "on time".
Criticism is the number one destroyer of our self-esteem. Our percieved weaknesses is the runner up. There are so many ways that people can criticize us. That's why sometimes we need to go back in time mentally and examine how things said or done to us effect us in the here and now. If we can understand how something effected us then, we can carry that forward and see how it is effecting our lives in the here and now.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/inspiration-createreality
www.brightfuse.com/angelia-schwarz-coleman
www.community.beliefnet.com/angeliavenus
Our values and strengths were taught to us in the beginning. Later on we can choose the values that suit us best, and discover which of our strengths we want to spend time using. The society we grow up in can effect our choices and our expectations. How milestones in our lives are looked upon by our society can be sources of pride, or shame if we do not meet them, "on time".
Criticism is the number one destroyer of our self-esteem. Our percieved weaknesses is the runner up. There are so many ways that people can criticize us. That's why sometimes we need to go back in time mentally and examine how things said or done to us effect us in the here and now. If we can understand how something effected us then, we can carry that forward and see how it is effecting our lives in the here and now.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/inspiration-createreality
www.brightfuse.com/angelia-schwarz-coleman
www.community.beliefnet.com/angeliavenus
Monday, August 3, 2009
Your Ecology and How It Effects You
For those of you who have studied child or basic psychology you know what a microsystem is. For those of you who haven't, it's the relationship between a child and it's immediate environment. The mesosystem is the interrelationship of settings in the child's immediate environment. The exosystem is the social settings that effect the child but do not directly involve them. The macrosystem refers to the attitudes, morals, beliefs and ideals of the culture that the child is raised in.
When a child comes into the world, it's first relationship is with it's mother. If this relationship is not a good one, well unfortunately, that child is off to a sad start. Then the father comes into play, if he is in the house, or involved at all in the child's life. Unfortunately, too many fathers are not there for their children. All of the research on the subject that I have read say that a good father makes a difference for both sexes of children. In this early little microsystem, abuse has it's worst and most prolonged effects. I have known mothers, and am one, who have left abusive fathers, and I know fathers who have left abusive mothers. Abused children will be more aggressive and negative. Abuse at this stage can be ended by an involved and caring grandparent or relative, with good outcomes. A sense of some family bonds can help the child take the outlook that it is the parent and not them that is the problem.
Concerned neighbors step in sometimes and call the authorities when they see or suspect abuse. This is something that we should all do. "It takes a village..." as the saying goes. Even in the overcrowded foster system, MOST of the time, the child is safer than in an abusive home. If you've ever watched the evening news, that's obvious! At play in their yards, neighborhoods, and parks children will meet friends. This will be their first social interaction with their peers who are not relatives. A well-adjusted child will be friendly and want to play with and make friends. A child who has been abused is more likely to be more physical with other children and turn into a bully. In their school years this will become a discipline and respect problem. Their emotional pain may stunt their growth intellectually and maturity wise.
If parents are ONLY verbally abusive, (only?!) then they may tell others that their child is, "lazy, worthless, sarcastic, stupid, dumb, has no common sense, is good for nothing, is a know-it-all, and even tell the child that they wish they were never born". Unfortunately, these co-workers, friends, or relatives may believe these things about the child since it is coming from a parent after all. Then everyone surrounding the child treats the child as if what the parent is saying is gospel, which sets up the self-fulfilling prophecy, and the child may model the behavior that has been attributed to it, whether it actually is that way, since the child figures if they are going to be accused, they may as well be that way! The verbal abuse takes their self esteem down word by word until they feel as worthless as the words that have been flung at them. Our child protective agencies, last I heard, can only prosecute for neglect, physical and sexual abuse. You can say to or call your kids anything that you want with the most happening to you is an estranged relationship with your child and possibly a civil suit when they are old enough. The laws aren't overly defined regarding verbal, emotional and mental abuse in children.
Your place of birth also plays a role in your treatment growing up. If your country believes that beating a child is the only way to be sure that they will follow disciplines, well then, that's what they may do! There are cultures where child abuse is an accepted form of punishment. In some cultures children are not allowed to be children and are put to work as soon as they are able, and in some girls and boys are married off as soon as they are sexually capable of reproduction. Your culture dictates the opportunities that are available to you.
Your ethnic group also has expectations of you. If you grew up in a nice neighborhood in a big house and everyone on your block went to college, then you are probably expected to, too. If you grew up where the people with the money got it breaking the law, then that may look like an acceptable risk to you. (but it's not FYI!)
Many studies have been done on how a good start in life can help people succeed and how a bad one can hold you back. In the end, it really is up to you to overcome any abuse or injustices that you have experienced growing up. It's hard to do that once you're an adult because 1. you have to realize that it has effected you. 2. you have to either know how, or know where to find help, to help you overcome these things. 3. you have to be willing to do the work to find balance and peace in your life. 4. you have to be able to examine, and then let go the things that were done to you. If you can't do that, and hold onto that grudge forever, it will only eat you up inside. Remember, the abuser may have no regrets about what they did to you if they are that kind of person, and if you confront them, they may not give you any type of explaination or closure.
We all should want to be our best selves and that takes loving yourself. Love yourself enough to give yourself the love that you may have been denied as a child. Make things right with and for yourself, so that you can grow to be the butterfly that you were meant to be. Soaring on your own unique, colorful wings that make you, you.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
When a child comes into the world, it's first relationship is with it's mother. If this relationship is not a good one, well unfortunately, that child is off to a sad start. Then the father comes into play, if he is in the house, or involved at all in the child's life. Unfortunately, too many fathers are not there for their children. All of the research on the subject that I have read say that a good father makes a difference for both sexes of children. In this early little microsystem, abuse has it's worst and most prolonged effects. I have known mothers, and am one, who have left abusive fathers, and I know fathers who have left abusive mothers. Abused children will be more aggressive and negative. Abuse at this stage can be ended by an involved and caring grandparent or relative, with good outcomes. A sense of some family bonds can help the child take the outlook that it is the parent and not them that is the problem.
Concerned neighbors step in sometimes and call the authorities when they see or suspect abuse. This is something that we should all do. "It takes a village..." as the saying goes. Even in the overcrowded foster system, MOST of the time, the child is safer than in an abusive home. If you've ever watched the evening news, that's obvious! At play in their yards, neighborhoods, and parks children will meet friends. This will be their first social interaction with their peers who are not relatives. A well-adjusted child will be friendly and want to play with and make friends. A child who has been abused is more likely to be more physical with other children and turn into a bully. In their school years this will become a discipline and respect problem. Their emotional pain may stunt their growth intellectually and maturity wise.
If parents are ONLY verbally abusive, (only?!) then they may tell others that their child is, "lazy, worthless, sarcastic, stupid, dumb, has no common sense, is good for nothing, is a know-it-all, and even tell the child that they wish they were never born". Unfortunately, these co-workers, friends, or relatives may believe these things about the child since it is coming from a parent after all. Then everyone surrounding the child treats the child as if what the parent is saying is gospel, which sets up the self-fulfilling prophecy, and the child may model the behavior that has been attributed to it, whether it actually is that way, since the child figures if they are going to be accused, they may as well be that way! The verbal abuse takes their self esteem down word by word until they feel as worthless as the words that have been flung at them. Our child protective agencies, last I heard, can only prosecute for neglect, physical and sexual abuse. You can say to or call your kids anything that you want with the most happening to you is an estranged relationship with your child and possibly a civil suit when they are old enough. The laws aren't overly defined regarding verbal, emotional and mental abuse in children.
Your place of birth also plays a role in your treatment growing up. If your country believes that beating a child is the only way to be sure that they will follow disciplines, well then, that's what they may do! There are cultures where child abuse is an accepted form of punishment. In some cultures children are not allowed to be children and are put to work as soon as they are able, and in some girls and boys are married off as soon as they are sexually capable of reproduction. Your culture dictates the opportunities that are available to you.
Your ethnic group also has expectations of you. If you grew up in a nice neighborhood in a big house and everyone on your block went to college, then you are probably expected to, too. If you grew up where the people with the money got it breaking the law, then that may look like an acceptable risk to you. (but it's not FYI!)
Many studies have been done on how a good start in life can help people succeed and how a bad one can hold you back. In the end, it really is up to you to overcome any abuse or injustices that you have experienced growing up. It's hard to do that once you're an adult because 1. you have to realize that it has effected you. 2. you have to either know how, or know where to find help, to help you overcome these things. 3. you have to be willing to do the work to find balance and peace in your life. 4. you have to be able to examine, and then let go the things that were done to you. If you can't do that, and hold onto that grudge forever, it will only eat you up inside. Remember, the abuser may have no regrets about what they did to you if they are that kind of person, and if you confront them, they may not give you any type of explaination or closure.
We all should want to be our best selves and that takes loving yourself. Love yourself enough to give yourself the love that you may have been denied as a child. Make things right with and for yourself, so that you can grow to be the butterfly that you were meant to be. Soaring on your own unique, colorful wings that make you, you.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
Friday, July 31, 2009
Let's Start at the Beginning
If you are a survivor of abuse and or assault, then to help with the PTSD of such events, it's best to start at the beginning. If it was familial abuse, then your development has been effected. You've come up with twisted theories in some cases as defense and protective mechanisms to keep you safe or sane or both. Your thinking processes may be skewed or slowed down due to fear, like the "deer in the headlights" that freezes, unsure of what to do. Psychologists recommend that we start by debriefing, which is a military term, coming from when soldiers come back from combat, they talk to someone about what happened to them there and how they feel about it. Some of us have been through mental, emotional, and even physical combat.
Our first impressions of the world come from our parents and caregivers. We are not able to think for ourselves at first. We can not solve problems in an adult manner. We need interaction with our environment to grow and learn. If we were neglected, we will be distrustful of others and have no faith in our world as a safe place to be. We must mature and experience the world around us if we are to be functional in it. This is more important than formal learning. If we were not allowed to socialize, this will stunt our social functioning. We may avoid making friends, as we don't know how, or don't trust them to stay our friends, or maybe even feel like we don't deserve friends, which is never true. We have to learn to solve problems by ourselves and reason things out. If we had overbearing parents, we may not have been allowed to do this, and now we may not trust our ability to do this for ourselves. We need to develop into beings that are safe, secure and feel nutured. We won't be able to think logically until those needs are met. Until then we will run around in survival mode just trying to get those needs met. Unfortunately, we usually look to other people or other things to fill that hole, when actually only you can do that for yourself once you're an adult.
We start out as little scientists learning what we can about and experimenting on the world. That teaches us how to deal with problems in experiences in the world. If our models lashed out in any way, physically, verbally, taking it out on others, then we may pick that up as our way of dealing with people and situations. This will make it challenging for us to function in the world.
My saving grace was school. Fortunately, I had some good teachers that taught me how to use reason and intellect, rather than my fists. I got praise from teachers and other students alike and that gave me the desire to be smart and do better and meet challenges head on, finding the best way to deal with them. I have met people who have not been so lucky, and not found encouragement anywhere.
Most victims of abuse have problems. I recently heard of a man who said that he didn't want to date anyone who had "daddy issues". I'm guessing that he had a bad experience with a woman who did. But, how sad is that to label all women who do not have a good relationship with their fathers! Is someone who was abused by their father less lovable?! Of course not! If they have not found a place of peace, then yes, they may be difficult to deal with, but did he even stop to think about her feelings and show a little compassion for what she may have gone through? I'll never know, because I definately won't be dating him, lol!
I'll be back! Hang in there! Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
Our first impressions of the world come from our parents and caregivers. We are not able to think for ourselves at first. We can not solve problems in an adult manner. We need interaction with our environment to grow and learn. If we were neglected, we will be distrustful of others and have no faith in our world as a safe place to be. We must mature and experience the world around us if we are to be functional in it. This is more important than formal learning. If we were not allowed to socialize, this will stunt our social functioning. We may avoid making friends, as we don't know how, or don't trust them to stay our friends, or maybe even feel like we don't deserve friends, which is never true. We have to learn to solve problems by ourselves and reason things out. If we had overbearing parents, we may not have been allowed to do this, and now we may not trust our ability to do this for ourselves. We need to develop into beings that are safe, secure and feel nutured. We won't be able to think logically until those needs are met. Until then we will run around in survival mode just trying to get those needs met. Unfortunately, we usually look to other people or other things to fill that hole, when actually only you can do that for yourself once you're an adult.
We start out as little scientists learning what we can about and experimenting on the world. That teaches us how to deal with problems in experiences in the world. If our models lashed out in any way, physically, verbally, taking it out on others, then we may pick that up as our way of dealing with people and situations. This will make it challenging for us to function in the world.
My saving grace was school. Fortunately, I had some good teachers that taught me how to use reason and intellect, rather than my fists. I got praise from teachers and other students alike and that gave me the desire to be smart and do better and meet challenges head on, finding the best way to deal with them. I have met people who have not been so lucky, and not found encouragement anywhere.
Most victims of abuse have problems. I recently heard of a man who said that he didn't want to date anyone who had "daddy issues". I'm guessing that he had a bad experience with a woman who did. But, how sad is that to label all women who do not have a good relationship with their fathers! Is someone who was abused by their father less lovable?! Of course not! If they have not found a place of peace, then yes, they may be difficult to deal with, but did he even stop to think about her feelings and show a little compassion for what she may have gone through? I'll never know, because I definately won't be dating him, lol!
I'll be back! Hang in there! Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Welcome to Works of Heart!
Some of you out there are already familiar with Works of Heart and myself, but this is for those of you who aren't. My motto is "Be the Butterfly You Were Meant to Be!". I work with women who are survivors of abuse and assault. I help them deal with the stress of such trauma and the everyday expectations that others have of them. I help them become comfortable in their own skin again, grow as a person, and move beyond their current limitations.
If this applies to you, then I can help! My name is Angelia Schwarz-Coleman and I am a survivor of child and spousal abuse, molestation and sexual assault. I struggled for years with PTSD and the mental and social anxieties that accompanied it. I have found my way up through this hellish canyon, and would like to help you do the same.
I am an Ordained Spiritual Minister, Registered Life Coach and Natural Healer.
Psychologists and counselors diagnosed and helped me with the anxiety, but were too busy to help me lay a foundation for self-esteem building and social reintegration. I had to do it the hard way, through trial and error, so I would like to help spare you the anxiety of going it alone.
You can see my website linked here, for more information about my practice.
In this blog, I hope to help you become more socially functional, find personal harmony and find balance in your life. You will experience personal transformation and hopefully resolution of stress associated with your trauma, if you stick with me! I use the butterfly analogy in my coaching practice: We start out as caterpillars-needing our basic needs of safety, security and nourishment met. Then we can cocoon ourselves, (this usually happens in adolescence, but sometimes our growth becomes stunted and we must go back and rediscover ourselves), and examine who we are and who we want to be. When we successfully negotiate that stage, then we can take steps to create the life that we want for ourselves. We can spread our wings and soar in our own unique, vibrant colors like the butterfly that we were born to be!
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
If this applies to you, then I can help! My name is Angelia Schwarz-Coleman and I am a survivor of child and spousal abuse, molestation and sexual assault. I struggled for years with PTSD and the mental and social anxieties that accompanied it. I have found my way up through this hellish canyon, and would like to help you do the same.
I am an Ordained Spiritual Minister, Registered Life Coach and Natural Healer.
Psychologists and counselors diagnosed and helped me with the anxiety, but were too busy to help me lay a foundation for self-esteem building and social reintegration. I had to do it the hard way, through trial and error, so I would like to help spare you the anxiety of going it alone.
You can see my website linked here, for more information about my practice.
In this blog, I hope to help you become more socially functional, find personal harmony and find balance in your life. You will experience personal transformation and hopefully resolution of stress associated with your trauma, if you stick with me! I use the butterfly analogy in my coaching practice: We start out as caterpillars-needing our basic needs of safety, security and nourishment met. Then we can cocoon ourselves, (this usually happens in adolescence, but sometimes our growth becomes stunted and we must go back and rediscover ourselves), and examine who we are and who we want to be. When we successfully negotiate that stage, then we can take steps to create the life that we want for ourselves. We can spread our wings and soar in our own unique, vibrant colors like the butterfly that we were born to be!
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
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